Can You Say Please?

While working as a Corrections officer in a State Prison facility, an Officer who handled Inmate requests for forms, newspapers, aspirins, etc, had an Inmate approach the desk and abruptly and quite rudely demand a newspaper by gruffly grunting “PAPER!” The Officer turned to the Inmate, smiled and said “Can you say please?” The inmate stared at the Officer for a second and then walked away in a huff without the newspaper.

A few minutes later, the Officer’s Sergeant approached the Officer and said that an Inmate just came up to him and asked where it says in Policy that an Inmate has to say “Please” to get a newspaper. The Sergeant told the Officer, he replied “it doesn’t and asked the Inmate why he asked?” The Sergeant said the Inmate, pointed to the Officer, and said “then you better teach that Officer over there Policy”!

The Sergeant then asked the Officer if he refused to give a newspaper to an inmate if he didn’t say please? And the Officer replied that he did not refuse anything and just asked the Inmate if he could say please. The Sergeant in no uncertain terms informed the Officer that “the Inmate does NOT have to say Please for anything because nowhere in Policy does it say he has to!”

The Officer looked at the Sergeant dumbfounded and said, “that he didn’t feel it had anything to do with any Policy and that he was simply attempting to impress upon the Inmate, simple common courtesies of Please and Thank you.”

The Officer tried to explain to the Sergeant that on the outside, where the Inmate might be lucky enough to be some day, even if it’s not written in POLICY anywhere, common courtesies are pretty much expected or at the very least, anticipated. Not to mention appreciated. And it is part of an Officer’s job to reinforce positive and courteous behavior in order to have the Inmate better prepared to deal with society once the Inmate is released. The Sergeant replied saying “he’s an Inmate and doesn’t have to say Please!”

Later, the Inmate came back to the desk, smirked at the Officer and again rudely demanded a newspaper from another Officer and received it without having to say Please or Thank you.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. And don’t forget to thank a Corrections Officer for doing the “thankless” job they do. Have a great day!

Not Always My Daily Quotes

"When you believe you have all the answers,
you're only lying to yourself"
(c)07/22/2010 JJ Williams

"Life IS what it IS!
You can try and change it but it will always be what IT is!"
(c)07/21/2010 JJ Williams

"If your heart is not at risk, you are not in a real
romantic relationship. That out of control, falling and not being able
to control it feeling is the very essence of being in love, isn't it?
If you can control it, it isn't coming from your heart."
(c)March 2010 TL Hobson

"Love is...
Never having to say I'm Sorry".
(Anonymous)

"Love is just a word
until someone comes along
and gives it meaning."
(Steven Seay)

"I don't know
what I want to do with you yet,
but I know I want to keep you around!"
(Susan Zulinke)

"Grant me the senility,
to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference"
(Unknown Creator)

"Make every day better than yesterday
And let your dreams of tomorrow
become the reality of today"
(c)01/2/2010 JJ Williams

"Be who you are and say what you feel....
because those that matter,
don't mind,
and those that mind.....
don't matter!"
(Unknown Creator)

"I may not know who I am
or where I'm going,
but I know who I'm not
and where I don't want to be."
(c)05/13/1975 JJ Williams

"Right now,
I Want You To Be A Dumb Ass
Not A Smart Ass!"
(c)09/27/2009 TL Hobson

"If one does not self promote,
one will be self defeated"
(c)09/20/2009 JJ Williams

"If you have love in your heart, you're a lucky man.

If you are able to share it you are blessed.

If it's stolen from you, it may be irreplaceable"

(c)09/18/2009 JJ Williams

"Lately, it seems I spend each day learning more and more
about how little I know!"

(c)09/17/2009 JJ Williams

"When God tests you, don't expect a passing grade!"

(c)09/16/2009 JJ Williams

It's Time.....

It's been quite a while since I last posted anything to this blog. I guess I was going through a period of indecisiveness. Or I was just uninspired. So I decided rather than continue with the same old same old, I would just keep quiet. I can't keep quiet any longer.

I work at a North Carolina prison in unforgiving, unhealthy conditions, earning less than poverty wages by today's standards, with no hint of a pay increase, not being able to afford to do anything that might be considered fun, let alone paying for things that might be considered necessities such as new glasses or hearing aids or dental work. Yep, you guessed it, the benefits offered by the State are minimal at best. I found out this week that the BSBS policy no longer covers even a single eye exam! But yet, an inmate has all his medical issues paid for. Including, and get this, an inmate receiving hormone injections to create breasts!!!!!! That I think was the final straw for me. Governor Purdue, has not got the decency to take care of those who take care of the citizens of NC, and would rather take care of those who harm the citizens. I'm sorry but this State's political views are so far out of touch with reality that I am no longer proud to be a resident and State Employee of North Carolina.

And as long as I'm talking about Insurance coverage when I started working for the State, I took out additional insurance to cover things like Extended Illness and Cancer and a life insurance policy. All of which decreased my take home pay by about $200.00. When I transferred from 2nd shift to 1st shift, I took a sizable cut in pay. I contacted HR to remove those "optional" coverage items and was told that I couldn't until "Open Enrollment" in November. I was appalled that I am unable to lessen the insurance coverage, even though I can no longer afford it! I will certainly not make use of any of it before November. How is it that an insurance plan ironically called NC Flex is so non-flexible that it does not allow an employee to control his or her own out of pocket costs! Frankly, this type of a "forced" deduction is down right thievery, should be considered criminal and warrant a class action law suit! And the next big hit, will be when they lower our coverage to a 70/30 plan for those who do not quit smoking on their own time!

I was born and raised in NJ but after moving here some seven plus years ago, I used to say that "I was born and raised in NJ but I'm home now!" Truth is, I truly am embarrassed to say I live here. Now I'm sure that there will be some die hard red necks out there that will say "Yankee go home" and to them I say, open your eyes. You can't farm any more, tobacco is no longer a prime crop, our education system is going down the tubes being accused of promoting segregation! Our politicians are all under investigation for fraud or other criminal activities. You don't know who to trust, who you can talk to or who's looking to get over on you. I hope my Freedom of Speech right hasn't been taken away yet or I might be crossing a line by even writing this blog. If you don't see it coming, I'm sorry for you. We can''t continue to be apathetic and expect to survive.

It's no wonder the inmates get everything and the State Employees get nothing. The politicians again will benefit from the free medical care, education, job training, three meals and a bed after they find themselves behind bars.

Wake up North Carolina. Especially NC State employees. It won't be long before they will again try to cut our pay or take something else away from us and give it to the inmates. They've already transferred our rights to them. What do you think will be next?

Textual Relationships

With the rampant increase in cell phone text messaging, an entirely new sort of relationship has emerged. I call it a "TEXTUAL RELATIONSHIP". It is one that is very informal and limited to 160 characters per transmission and involves no kissing, touching or warmth. The up side? It's safe. You can't get pregnant and you can't catch a disease. The downside? Well, if I have to tell you that, just keep texting your little hearts out. Because if you're not smart enough to figure that out, than you shouldn't be in any sort of relationship at all. But I'll give you a hint.

Texting allows no emotion or feeling to show, other than a one dimensional cold one that is often misinterpreted. It is one step above no relationship at all. If you're in a "textual relationship" and it seems to be your only form of connecting with your "significant other", than that person is really not a significant other and probably looks at you as a pretty insignificant part of their life.

Dating vs. Relationship

I've often wondered what it is that determines whether two people are just "dating", or if the two consider themselves to be in a so called "relationship". Now assuming that the two are not playing the field and only have time to see each other when possible, is it determined based on the number of dates? Is it the duration of the time that has passed since the first date? Or is it not time relevant at all?

If the time element, is excluded, one theory might be that the two are considered in a relationship, as long as the two want to be considered a couple and both agree to enjoy and experience each other fully. Regardless of the number of dates or days. On the other hand, if there is no spark, or strong enough desire to MAKE time to spend quality time with each other, or to consider each other to be that special someone in their life, be it "boy friend" or "girl friend", or "main squeeze" or whatever other name one might use,  if one is not ready to put the other at least in their Top 5 importance list, (which incidentally, the order may vary from time to time and also be dependent on the things in your own particular life that are important which you actually may have to juggle a bit)

1. Family or Kids
2. Job
3. Yourself
4. Relationship
5. Other fun

and the other is, then don't commit. And make it clear up front to the other. Because the longer you wait, the one that wants to be, faces the inevitable hurt that goes with rejection if the status never turns into a "relationship".

The one that is ready, will tend to do whatever possible in order to win the heart of the other, and convince him or her that they belong together. While the other sits back and enjoys the attention without considering the impact that non-reciprocation has on the other. As time goes on, the one that is receiving the attention, will eventually feel complacent with the attention being received and not feel any reason to change the status from "dating" to being in a "relationship". And eventually, if the the giver of the attention is smart, will realize that he or she is just barking up the wrong tree and stop doing anything extra. Hence, returning to either just dating, or not seeing each other at all. Generally, depending on how far the giver went before realizing that he or she was wasting precious time and money on the other, and how angry one might get at themselves for doing so.

A more simplified theory might place limitations on what each might expect from the other. Such as, if the two are simply dating, then the only real responsibility of one to the other is who pays for the date. Of course in today's society, it would generally be the man. At least in my world. But in some circles, it would be the one who initiates the "date".

That being said, then, if the two are not in a relationship, neither should expect anything more than what occurs on the date. There would be no reason to communicate personal problems to the other or become involved in the others life, or the desire to give special gifts because when you are just "dating", your soul purpose is to have fun during the date. When the date is over, you go about your day to day without any further thought of the other, until perhaps another date is planned.

Now, if the two have decided that they want to commit to each other for some unknown period of time, then you might consider the two to be in a relationship and the two should surely be capable of providing all that the other expects. That which would be expected, might not be crystal clear before the commitment is made. But regardless of whatever one expects from the other, a relationship takes work. It is the foundation for a future together and should be taken seriously. Each should certainly put equal effort into pleasing the other in whatever form each might want, expect or feel comfortable doing for or accepting from each other. In no way should it be only one sided. Thinking only of yourself would leave the other with an empty feeling.

Remember also, that if you've been single for a while, are independent and only have had yourself to consider, you may require some behavioral modification. It would no longer only be about you. You will have to re-learn how to think in terms of a partnership or "We" instead of thinking in terms of "Me" or "I". Because the other would certainly want to be considered when making plans. No matter whether those plans might be long term or day to day. Not considering the others feelings, or schedule, will surely doom the relationship very quickly.

That doesn't mean you have to give up being yourself. Remember that the attraction that one has for the other, has to do with the person you are. Changing your sole just to be in a relationship is sure failure as well. Especially as we get older and we are for the most part, complete individuals that have already experienced life's ups and downs. Those who may read this, that are still young, unmarried or never having loved, will most likely change with age. Their soul may not be fully developed. They have not experienced heartbreak or death, or loss. And as these natural events occur during your life, you tend to change your initial attitude about yourself. Which is why some relationships that started at a young age, fail later in life. (I'll save this topic for a future post)

Probably the most important thing that I have learned however, is that no matter what, you can't make someone love you or force them to become the other half of a relationship. Even if one's feeling for the other is true, unrequited love from the heart. If the other doesn't feel the same, you are probably wasting your time, money, self respect and most importantly, your emotional energy while seemingly trying to convince the other that they should love you back. Just because you think they are the new love of your life, or even the first, does not guarantee they will consider you in the same light. The feeling should be a powerfully natural and mutually gratifying feeling by both, toward each other. Not one's self.

As mentioned in a previous post, if you've been divorced, or were in a serious loving relationship and survived the break up, you should have realized that you can live without the person you might have thought was the love of your life. If that relationship failed, so be it. Move on and continue to try and find your real soul mate. Not having someone to love, is simply a lonely existence. Not a life. Loving someone who does not love you back is a waste of your own heart and soul and the realization might be one of the hardest things to accept. Don't let it hold you hostage. Get over it and move on.

 If you are not prepared to enter into a relationship with an open heart and mind, forsaking all who have previously hurt you, or that you have loved and lost, then don't until you are willing to release the past. But if you are ready, willing and able, do it with a fervor that is from your soul. Hold nothing back and don't fear the future. Embrace it, embellish it and enjoy your life with the one who loves you. And love them back like you never thought you could again.

A Simple Gesture of Hello

To have a successful relationship with anyone, whether they be a significant other, spouse, employer, co-worker or a friend, a certain amount of effort has to be put into the relationship by both parties involved. Whether the relationship is

1. a simple gesture of hello from one stranger to another
2. a casual link with someone you like more than others
3. a friendship between two people
4. a meaningful but platonic bond
5. a meaningful and romantic bond
   
   The success is up to the understanding of the effort each would like to experience from the other.

The amount of effort one puts in, might be a guide to what you might get back.
Or it might not!

I stated in a previous post that relationships take many forms. Starting with a simple wave of hello to a stranger, on to a casual conversation between two friends, associates or co-workers, stepping it up to a meaningful relationship between two people who care for each other and then topping out at a mutual bond with a certain commitment between the two to each other. A "mutual bond" might have several different levels or types such as that of a platonic relationship or one that is romantic. There is of course a "meaningful business relationship" as well which I think I might cover in another post.

Let me start with a simple gesture of hello. Have you ever walked by someone and said hello to them, only to receive back a cold stare? What did you feel? What did you think of the person staring? Now weigh the feeling that you get when the person smiles and says hello back. It generally happens so fast that you don't even think about it but the satisfaction felt is the basic foundation of a relationship. It could go either way at the very beginning. But the emotion you feel is pleasureful when you receive a positive response back. And an emptiness when you don't. The give and take of this sort of relationship is the action of simply saying hello to each other.

A casual link between two people may be due to a membership, or mutual association with other people both people have in common or is the result of some other sort of commonality. Usually a similar view on certain subjects, mutual friends in common or a membership of some sort like that on Facebook. It's generally not a life long relationship and ends when the people are no longer associated with the common interests that got them together in the first place. Very often, a casual link is misinterpreted to be a friendship. But truthfully, one usually has many, many casual links throughout their lifetime but only a handful of true friends. The give and take in this sort of relationship involves several areas. It can be the knowledge offered by one to the other, it can be the sharing of information, or a way to meet other people or even to acquire certain material things. It is generally very informal with no particular bond or agreement to remain "linked" with one another. But the result of the efforts put into the relationship should be at the very least, gratifying.

And then whether stemming from the first "simple gesture of hello" or a "casual link", might eventually come a friendship between two people. This type of relationship can be life long whether the two see or talk to each other daily, once a year or not in years. True friendship relationships develop over time but once the bond is created, and the relationship is built on trust, the bond should be taken very seriously by the two. And if the bond is broken, both parties will feel the pain and sorrow of loosing the other regardless of the reason the relationship ended. And when it ends, a period of mistrust is experienced, and is sometimes difficult to either rebuild that relationship, or enter into another trusting one for some time. Friends call upon each other when in need of help and will offer help to each other willingly and without hesitation. Whether it involves physical labor, a financial involvement, or the sharing of ones possessions. The efforts that are conveyed are the stimulus for the relationship and though the relationship might have ups and downs, the pleasure one feels by having the other as a friend, should outweigh any down side.

Very often, we might have a BF or best friend that we consider very special. It is the result of a meaningful but platonic bond. Each is a confidant to each other with personal information, an adviser about each others love life and someone to talk with about just about anything. To be considered anyone's "best friend" should be taken seriously. It can be between a man and a woman, two women or two men. The efforts put forth in this sort of relationship might be fairly diverse and will be gender specific in nature. But the height to which the relationship grows WILL be based on what extent each can DEPEND on the other.

And then comes the relationship for lovers which I have named in this post as a meaningful and romantic bond. It generally begins as a platonic bond and gradually develops into one that adds additional rules, expectations, activities and awareness of the others likes and dislikes.

In some cases, it might bypass all the other stages of relationship described here and become meaningful immediately following the mutual hello. But not often. And one must believe in "Love At First Sight" in order for it to happen that quickly.

More commonly, it starts with a "simple gesture of hello" and moves completely through the levels of relationship until a certain commitment between the two people is made. The commitment is the hard part for some because it is accepting the rules and expectations that the two agree on and to forgo all others romantically as well as sexually.

To get to this point, and be successful in maintaining this level of relationship takes a lot of effort on the two involved. It means being involved in each others life, family, children, friends, job or business. Whether to just be there for each other during rough periods, or to be there to celebrate the good things that would more than not affect them both in some fashion. To be an extension of the other. To become a "We" rather than an "I".

One of the hardest parts in today's society is to allow the "We" to be, without loosing one's independence or individuality. One would hope that the "We" that is created is one where each of the personalities compliment each other. They don't need to be, and probably shouldn't be identical. But certainly should be compatible. This is where (of course not the only reason) I think many people fail to find their soul mate. The individual is so busy trying to find someone "just like themselves". But when, or if they do, they become bored because there are no new ideas, thoughts or aspects of the other that each has yet to experience.

I believe that the amount of effort, thought and desire that each put into the relationship will be the determining factor of how the relationship will endure. In other words, if one is always doing for, thinking of or responding to the other but the other is not, then guess what, the relationship is doomed unless there is good and temporary reason for it to be only one sided.

Unless of course the two of you are into a "passive/submissive" type of lifestyle. But I'll leave that for another post.

The amount of pleasure that both receive from the other, WILL be directly dependent on the amount of effort each puts into the relationship. If you truly want to have a meaningful and romantic relationship, the two must:

1. Acknowledge and accept each others desire to do so. (Communication is the key!)
2. Accept and become part of each others life, circle of friends, family and business associates.
3. Do things for each other! Important one here. Its the small things that can make all the difference.
4. Surprise each other.
5. Keep the relationship static rather than stale.
   
6. Become involved with each others desires and goals and help each other with a project, or the others kids. And allow the other to do so and be there for each other!
7. Don't EXPECT a thing, but ACCEPT anything that the other put thought into making happen.
8. Don't try and change a thing about the other. If there is anything that needs changing in your eyes, they might not be the one you should be with. You should be happy with who each are before you make the commitment TO EACH OTHER!
   
9. MAKE time to spend together! A really big one here. Don't keep putting quality time off. This is a lesson that I learned over the years and is best represented in Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Are Dieing".
10. Tell each other how much you care for each other. Every day! Along with showing each other. This is best represented by Garth Brook's "If Tomorrow Never Comes".

I'm not an expert in relationships. God knows I've failed in the past. But from my failures, I've gained insight and knowledge. There is no magic formula. With all the books about relationships written by professors, doctors and other writers with degrees in various areas, I truly believe that all the trees it took to write the thousands of books, containing yet hundreds of pages on the subject could have been saved. It really comes down to an understanding of the basic fundamentals of the The Golden Rule and simple common sense. If two people are interested in one another, regardless of the extent of involvement they intend to have, treat the other as you would like to be treated yourself. Be honest with each other. Show respect to the other. Don't be hurtful. Even if you you're "just kidding". It may not be taken the way you think. And frankly is a representation of your own asininity and level of maturity. What do you think?

Dust To Dust

I had an interesting conversation with someone today, that inspired me to ponder whether my current belief, toward the material things that I've acquired, purchased, been given, or inherited, is prudent or frivolous.

I grew up being taught to appreciate all that you have and work hard to keep it. The monetary value of the object is not necessarily the most important factor when the time comes to dispose of it. Some things, whether expensive or not, may have an entirely different value associated with it than that of the almighty dollar. In fact, some things might be priceless to one, and valueless to another. And if it's yours, appreciate it for whatever value it represents to you.

But now, at a crossroads in my life, where I have more material items than I have need for, and no siblings or no one left that would appreciate them as I do, the question was raised as "Why not just get rid of them?" I started making excuses for the reasons, such as, well that used to be my fathers, or I have sweat equity in it that can't be valued or some other emotional attachment. All were my reasons for "storing" these items in a house that's bigger than I need or can easily afford. And wouldn't need the house other than for the items I have accumulated over the years.

I have been accused of being a pack rat by some,
but I don't think it's quite that bad.

The point that was being made during this conversation was simple. I am the only one that cares anything about those "materialistic possessions". When your dead, no one will remember the reasons you kept it. And they will only be burdened with disposing of the items. And after several years, no one will probably remember you. So why not dispose of the items now and live the rest of your life in simplicity and in a non-materialistic fashion.

The Zac Brown Band song was brought up to add to the imagery of the type of simplistic life style being described. Without making mention of that song, you might think I was pondering becoming a Monk. Rest assured, there's no Monk style in my future. But I have to tell you, I was caught at maybe a weak moment and pondered the possibility of reversing my life long quest at acquiring the "things" I like, for instead making my new life's goal to be one placing me on a beach, sitting in the sun with my feet in the water and my butt in the sand! And get rid of everything that I have bought, packed, moved and stared at, that has any emotional attachment to me. And live only with the memories in my mind and heart.

Ummm. Memories that exist in my mind and heart. They can't be destroyed or taken away, or sold or given and it would seem that they would be closer to me at all times without the burden of moving them, dusting them off or making room for them. That seems very practical. Now that's not saying the things I use everyday or even once in awhile would be part of this concept. Obviously some things are part of me rather than an attachment to someone else who existed for a period of time in my life but no longer exists. Those items should remain until I deem them no longer necessary.

It says in the Bible that you come into this life with nothing and you should leave this life with nothing. Dust to Dust. And that started making a lot of sense to me. But I think I'd like to change the image that Dust to Dust presents by saying "Sand to Sand" instead. What do you think?